This is so hard. I'm not sure what to say or how to explain this. I'm so tired. Feeling worn.
I haven't been feeling submissive during my days. Honestly I really hate that. I truly enjoy and love being a submissive. I love the control over me. I crave it. (The sexual submissive is not at all a problem, by the way). But during my days and even when I see Oliver, I just don't feel submissive. I know exactly what the problem is, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I fix me? I'm feeling broken.
For some reason my head is not in the right place. I'm not being 100% open to Him. Still holding on to that wall. I need to let myself go, but how how how?????? How do I do this completely after all of the 45 years of pain that I have endured? How do I forget it all? What can I do to forget? The nights are easy to forget the past, but I can't do that during the day. I feel like I am ruining the dynamic of our relationship and it bothers me. It hurts and making me hate me more than usual.
I think that Oliver might be too easy on me and I think that makes me feel like He might be a 'pushover' (I'm not sure that is the proper word. Maybe easy?)? We spoke last night and He said that He is going to be harder on me. I know that I really need that. Perhaps I think that I could talk or beg my way out of things all the time because this has worked for me in the past. I mentioned this to Him and He said He will work on this. He won't say yes all the time, and won't change His mind when I beg. But I wonder, is He scared of something as well? Is He worried about being to rough with me? Are we both worried about loosing each other? Am I too much work?
I know all of this clearly needs to go into more discussion with Him, but it also helps me to blog about it. Perhaps some others out there have the same issues?
Our sexual dynamic however, is absolutely amazing. I don't think either one of us have a single complaint. Last night, for example, He made me cum so many times to count. I just came in waves and waves. When this happens it's sounds like a buzz in my ears. He can break that noise by saying something to me, but once He stops the noise returns. It's my favorite thing in the world being with Him like this. I know that He's taken some pictures last night but He is not available right now so I can't get to them. I'm sure I will post them later this week.
I know somehow that this will work out for the best because life is like that. Perhaps I need to make a conscience effort to stop and think and be who I want to be for Him before I act, instead of jumping and protecting like I always do.
I know that I want to be with Him forever. I know that I also over think the impossibility of that. All of this is just me holding on and not trusting that all will be like He says it will be. I'm shielding.
I haven't been feeling submissive during my days. Honestly I really hate that. I truly enjoy and love being a submissive. I love the control over me. I crave it. (The sexual submissive is not at all a problem, by the way). But during my days and even when I see Oliver, I just don't feel submissive. I know exactly what the problem is, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I fix me? I'm feeling broken.
For some reason my head is not in the right place. I'm not being 100% open to Him. Still holding on to that wall. I need to let myself go, but how how how?????? How do I do this completely after all of the 45 years of pain that I have endured? How do I forget it all? What can I do to forget? The nights are easy to forget the past, but I can't do that during the day. I feel like I am ruining the dynamic of our relationship and it bothers me. It hurts and making me hate me more than usual.
I think that Oliver might be too easy on me and I think that makes me feel like He might be a 'pushover' (I'm not sure that is the proper word. Maybe easy?)? We spoke last night and He said that He is going to be harder on me. I know that I really need that. Perhaps I think that I could talk or beg my way out of things all the time because this has worked for me in the past. I mentioned this to Him and He said He will work on this. He won't say yes all the time, and won't change His mind when I beg. But I wonder, is He scared of something as well? Is He worried about being to rough with me? Are we both worried about loosing each other? Am I too much work?
I know all of this clearly needs to go into more discussion with Him, but it also helps me to blog about it. Perhaps some others out there have the same issues?
Our sexual dynamic however, is absolutely amazing. I don't think either one of us have a single complaint. Last night, for example, He made me cum so many times to count. I just came in waves and waves. When this happens it's sounds like a buzz in my ears. He can break that noise by saying something to me, but once He stops the noise returns. It's my favorite thing in the world being with Him like this. I know that He's taken some pictures last night but He is not available right now so I can't get to them. I'm sure I will post them later this week.
I know somehow that this will work out for the best because life is like that. Perhaps I need to make a conscience effort to stop and think and be who I want to be for Him before I act, instead of jumping and protecting like I always do.
I know that I want to be with Him forever. I know that I also over think the impossibility of that. All of this is just me holding on and not trusting that all will be like He says it will be. I'm shielding.
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