9.30.16 My story - and maybe a pic ;p

I'm thinking about writing about my past, letting it out in the world for all to know.

Daddy wants me to write it all down first, so He can review it. I have one week. At which point He will let me know if it can be posted. He's worried that some will lash out at me for some of the things that I have been through. He's worried that any negativity will greatly affect me. I don't handle negative comments very well. I frequent others that try to help me and it always ends up messing with my head and never turns out well.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing this because I'm not sure what other well I can try to heal. Clearly I'm not someone who forgets. Maybe my new attitude and direction with Daddy will work. Maybe both. I don't know. I suppose anything is worth a shot, right?

I know tomorrow night Daddy and I will be playing. I'm very much looking forward to it. I'd like Daddy to break more of me down. Continue chipping at the wall around me. I know now that we will both handle it better. I will remember to use my safe word, and I know that He will check on me more often.

I've written a mantra for Him. It's more personal for me and how I feel. Even this morning when I thought I might have a issue I said some of the words I wrote and it really helped. I didn't get panicky or stressed out. I know that Daddy will handle everything. I know it!

He's amazing.

Place bets???? Will my ass be marked tomorrow, or will buns of steel prevail? Ha.

9.29.16 Vulnerability??? What?

I joined some email feed on a site that talks about relationships. Nothing BDSM, but I found something interesting she said.

She made a statement that women should appear vulnerable to men and that will get these women to keep their relationship. Um, what?

Several, well more than several, times, I've struggled with being a submissive and whether or not I'm supposed to come off as vulnerable and weak. Can I be strong at times? Would that make me less submissive?

I read something on vulnerability today and it stated that to be vulnerable is to admit having pains in life and being able to move beyond them. Not staying that way. Moving beyond them....

So I'm confused.

I know that what this woman stated vs. BDSM have nothing similar to each other, but I'm trying to merge them together somehow to try and help me understand what she is saying.

Is vulnerable and being a submissive the same thing or different?

I know, and have learned, that I don't have to walk around in life and appear vulnerable to everyone. But should I? I only do that with Daddy. He owns me and He is the only one I am to submit to. I'm attributing being vulnerable and weak as the same thing. I don't think I want others to see me being weak because I think I will get hurt. I do appear weak to Daddy because I can be because He takes care of me.

This woman also talked about femininity and masculinity. Apparently I'm 82% feminine. Daddy says He hasn't seen a masculine ounce of me yet. So shrugging over here.

I also read that in order for a woman to feel whole, we need to love. What we do now is fear and then act out. I need to change that into just feeling love. If I love others, I will love me. I know that I do that. When something is bothering me internally, I'm really fearing it. I need to realize that and then change my attitude. I think then I won't act out as much. Or at all.

All of this has somewhat helped me get my head in a better place. I know that's weird to say considering how I'm stating confusion above, but something snapped in me these last 2 days and I'm feeling good. I feel amazing where Daddy and I are in our relationship right now. We couldn't be closer. Sometimes something bad has to happen in order to see the good. I think Daddy said something like that the other night when I was scolded.

I told Daddy today that I'm ready to give Him my whole self. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I'm going to give it a conscious effort. I know all my walls have been there for so very long. I hurt and have a hard time forgetting. I remember all the pain that has been brought to me.  Pain that I've been receiving since I was very young. Perhaps I should talk about these here someday. Perhaps that will help me heal? I know that He is also chipping away, and I'm grateful for that. I trust that one day He will break it all down and remove it forever.

I love Him.

9.28.16 Was scolded, but in a good way

It was brought to my attention last night that my last 4 posts made it seem like Oliver is not a good Dom. I'd like to say several things about this.

1. What I write about is coming from my end of things and how I am feeling at that moment.

2. No one else but Oliver is aware of what has happened in my past and He acts accordingly due to that knowledge.

3. Although I do enjoy chatting to people everywhere, in no way do I need to be saved from Oliver or to be told that He is doing things wrong. You see no one but He can be my Dom, because He is the only one that knows me and can know what is best for me.

Again, what I am writing here is coming from my perspective, my view. Oliver always has a perfect reason for doing what He does. I'm like that child complaining about it, when the parent knows better.

So Oliver and I had a good talk last night. He explained (actually more like spoke very sternly - even swore at me a few times) to me about a few things, and then pretty much told me He is sick of my shenanigan's and going forward He will no longer be so easy on me. I will be punished, and fierce. He explained that I will not like the punishments and that they will not be fun.

At the end of the conversation I felt completely scolded and upset. But guess what? It was exactly what I needed. I feel that my head is back in the right place now. Like something snapped and I am ready to begin being His perfect submissive. I think that I needed to see that when it comes down to it I really couldn't/can't "get one over" on Him. For some reason I needed some sort of proof or something in order to believe He really is in charge. Perhaps I had some sort of doubt? He's has now made it perfectly clear to me that He can be very stern and will be very stern if I pull any bs anymore. He's put that bit of fear in me that I needed. Now I have no desire to be punished. I'm scared of what the punishments will be. I don't want to know what they will be.

I hate to say it, but I'm very glad that this has happened. I feel so much better now.

I also have to say that I can no longer call Him Oliver because I don't think that it's appropriate. I can only call Him Daddy now. I feel that calling Him Oliver would be disrespectful, and that is something that I never want to be. There is another name I call Him as well, which I may use in the future. Captain. As He is the Captain of my life.

I am very much looking forward to Saturday. I very much need the physical from Him. Not that we haven't had little quick sessions here and there, but the long ones are always what helps. He's been dragging the bad out of me. I will never forget the one session where I couldn't go any further. I truly felt like He broke a part of me down. I know it was a lesson of the safe word, but I still think that was amazing.

I'm sure Daddy will be taking pictures for me to post. Keep an eye out :) 

9.28.16 Hating me...

This is so hard. I'm not sure what to say or how to explain this. I'm so tired. Feeling worn.

I haven't been feeling submissive during my days. Honestly I really hate that. I truly enjoy and love being a submissive. I love the control over me. I crave it. (The sexual submissive is not at all a problem, by the way). But during my days and even when I see Oliver, I just don't feel submissive. I know exactly what the problem is, but I don't know how to fix it. How do I fix me? I'm feeling broken.

For some reason my head is not in the right place. I'm not being 100% open to Him. Still holding on to that wall. I need to let myself go, but how how how?????? How do I do this completely after all of the 45 years of pain that I have endured? How do I forget it all? What can I do to forget? The nights are easy to forget the past, but I can't do that during the day. I feel like I am ruining the dynamic of our relationship and it bothers me. It hurts and making me hate me more than usual.

I think that Oliver might be too easy on me and I think that makes me feel like He might be a 'pushover' (I'm not sure that is the proper word. Maybe easy?)? We spoke last night and He said that He is going to be harder on me. I know that I really need that. Perhaps I think that I could talk or beg my way out of things all the time because this has worked for me in the past. I mentioned this to Him and He said He will work on this. He won't say yes all the time, and won't change His mind when I beg. But I wonder, is He scared of something as well? Is He worried about being to rough with me? Are we both worried about loosing each other? Am I too much work?

I know all of this clearly needs to go into more discussion with Him, but it also helps me to blog about it. Perhaps some others out there have the same issues?

Our sexual dynamic however, is absolutely amazing. I don't think either one of us have a single complaint. Last night, for example, He made me cum so many times to count. I just came in waves and waves. When this happens it's sounds like a buzz in my ears. He can break that noise by saying something to me, but once He stops the noise returns. It's my favorite thing in the world being with Him like this. I know that He's taken some pictures last night but He is not available right now so I can't get to them. I'm sure I will post them later this week.

I know somehow that this will work out for the best because life is like that. Perhaps I need to make a conscience effort to stop and think and be who I want to be for Him before I act, instead of jumping and protecting like I always do.

I know that I want to be with Him forever.  I know that I also over think the impossibility of that. All of this is just me holding on and not trusting that all will be like He says it will be. I'm shielding. 

9.26.16 Weekend stuff and I'm a little sore

So last week I posted about Oliver not reacting to anything. That He's very calm and collect. A quiet Dom. A thinker. Well I got a little insight of how that won't be the case in certain instances.

The instance is when someone is threatening or acting like they will take His property, or pretending to already own it.

Unfortunately, as it is some days, I didn't get to see Oliver on Saturday and had to be out and about at a town sports event. A man, who wanted to "get with me" showed up. This person has made several advances towards me in the past. During the last one I told him that my boyfriend wouldn't like me going out with him. Since then he has stopped.

Either the man must have forgotten, didn't care or just acted like he did because that's who he is as a person, but Oliver was pissed. Beyond pissed. I didn't get to see what Oliver was like in person, but I could certainly tell through His messages to me.

The man kept touching me and calling me pet names.

I'm not sure what steps Oliver will be taking to prevent this. I do know that He is thinking about it. I also know that I have no doubt that this man will know that I am taken the next time we run in to him. And I know beyond a doubt that we will be running in to him again.

What else is up? My pussy is very sore today. Last night I got a good spanking on my ass and a few spanks on my pussy. I thought I was sore initially from being taken, but the pain isn't it the right spot for it to be that. I have to say that I am really enjoying the pain there. I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe it's the reminder that I am owned or that He was there? Not sure. Why do others enjoy their pain? What pain do you enjoy and hope for? I know I will be experiencing more this weekend. Oliver did mention He likes having me hang from the rafters.........pics to come, I'm sure.

Oliver and I also had a talk today and it looks like perhaps some changes will be coming. I told Him I haven't been feeling very submissive lately and He's going to take care of that. I know I need to be patient and that He and I are still learning, but I kind of feel like it's been long enough. I feel sort of loose and not tight - ha! Um, sorry. I feel like I'm not all tight and bundled up going about my day as a submissive. I feel like I'm all over the place............what a ho! LOL. Sorry, I'm throbbing while I'm typing this so my mind is beginning to wander.

Anyway, I need to smack myself and get my sh** together already! I'll have to see what He says tonight.

9.24.16 Drug

He's like a drug to me. I crave Him. I can't live with out Him. My mental status changes when He isn't around.

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I like this?

It's such a beautiful day and all I can think about is my feeling of loss. There are so many wonderful things we could be doing together today. Like being naked in the woods with my fox tail for example! I wonder why all summer that never happened?????

Over thinking.............over sad. Want tomorrow.

Btw, my punishment has been completed. Surprised I did it without asking for it to be made for a lessor amount of time. I'm proud of myself for that. 

9.23.16 Exhausted

Partied a little too hard last night and woke up at 4 am with a migraine. I never regret the partying, but I regret loosing quality time with Oliver. I really feel like we haven't gotten much time together lately. We used to be able to hike and do fun stuff and we don't anymore. Where did that time go? I don't understand it. Honestly I miss it. I enjoy being outside and hiking with Him. It was one of my favorite things to do.

So I blew the chance to spend good quality time with Him. And I'm sure I will tonight too because of how exhausted I am. I won't get to see Him tomorrow either. I'm very down. I swear I can't take days with out Him. Makes me feel lost and aggravated. Makes me angry. It's horrible.

I wish He would do something to change our situation. I know I'm impatient, but I can't help it.

I also think that perhaps maybe I need more of a routine. I'm still thinking about it before I bring it up with Oliver. I still think that I'm having some sort of issue with things. You know that saying that kids don't obey until you put the fear in them, well.........................

9.23.16 Exhausted

Partied a little too hard last night and woke up at 4 am with a migraine. I never regret the partying, but I regret loosing quality time with Oliver. I really feel like we haven't gotten much time together lately. We used to be able to hike and do fun stuff and we don't anymore. Where did that time go? I don't understand it. Honestly I miss it. I enjoy being outside and hiking with Him. It was one of my favorite things to do.

So I blew the chance to spend good quality time with Him. And I'm sure I will tonight too because of how exhausted I am. I won't get to see Him tomorrow either. I'm very down. I swear I can't take days with out Him. Makes me feel lost and aggravated. Makes me angry. It's horrible.

I wish He would do something to change our situation. I know I'm impatient, but I can't help it.

I also think that perhaps maybe I need more of a routine. I'm still thinking about it before I bring it up with Oliver. I still think that I'm having some sort of issue with things. You know that saying that kids don't obey until you put the fear in them, well.........................

9.23.16 Exhausted

Partied a little too hard last night and woke up at 4 am with a migraine. I never regret the partying, but I regret loosing quality time with Oliver. I really feel like we haven't gotten much time together lately. We used to be able to hike and do fun stuff and we don't anymore. Where did that time go? I don't understand it. Honestly I miss it. I enjoy being outside and hiking with Him. It was one of my favorite things to do.

So I blew the chance to spend good quality time with Him. And I'm sure I will tonight too because of how exhausted I am. I won't get to see Him tomorrow either. I'm very down. I swear I can't take days with out Him. Makes me feel lost and aggravated. Makes me angry. It's horrible.

I wish He would do something to change our situation. I know I'm impatient, but I can't help it.

I also think that perhaps maybe I need more of a routine. I'm still thinking about it before I bring it up with Oliver. I still think that I'm having some sort of issue with things. You know that saying that kids don't obey until you put the fear in them, well.........................

9.23.16 Exhausted

Partied a little too hard last night and woke up at 4 am with a migraine. I never regret the partying, but I regret loosing quality time with Oliver. I really feel like we haven't gotten much time together lately. We used to be able to hike and do fun stuff and we don't anymore. Where did that time go? I don't understand it. Honestly I miss it. I enjoy being outside and hiking with Him. It was one of my favorite things to do.

So I blew the chance to spend good quality time with Him. And I'm sure I will tonight too because of how exhausted I am. I won't get to see Him tomorrow either. I'm very down. I swear I can't take days with out Him. Makes me feel lost and aggravated. Makes me angry. It's horrible.

I wish He would do something to change our situation. I know I'm impatient, but I can't help it.

I also think that perhaps maybe I need more of a routine. I'm still thinking about it before I bring it up with Oliver. I still think that I'm having some sort of issue with things. You know that saying that kids don't obey until you put the fear in them, well.........................

9.21.16 Being punished

Remind me to never mention anything about drama again please.

I flirted with an old friend yesterday. Oliver found out because I can't hold anything back from Him and now I'm being punished. I know how He will react to things now. Granted, it was not the reaction I thought I would get but I still didn't like it. To be honest, I didn't understand His reaction at all. There was like none. No yelling, no grabbing. Just nothing. Just talking. Just hearing about my punishment. Not something I'm used to or have ever experienced before. I'm not sure if I will ever get used to that. It's abnormal for me.

I'm not allowed on Facebook, Collar, or Fet for the rest of this week, and I have some kneeling to do later this evening.

I do not enjoy this kind of punishment, although deserved.

I suppose the punishment I've been giving myself is much more worse than the one that He's given me..................................

9.20.16 I'm bored...

...and want to do something so that I get punished.

Oliver is a very calm, relaxed and patient Dom. He never gets upset. He never reacts. If He's jealous, I don't know. If He has any thoughts on other men around me, I don't know. He's very trusting, which is good, but sometimes a little jealousy excitement turns me on.

I feel we are just living day to day like a couple that's been together for a really long time. It's very comfortable and loving and perfect. Like we are moving through a cloud with no change. No up, no down. Just peaceful and in the middle. We. Just. Are.

I know that I am not used to being in a relationship like this. It's completely drama free and it's weird to me. I only worry about  my personal issues and I do not worry about my relationship with Him.  All relationships prior I would deal with drama. True, I did hate it, but sometimes I liked a little of that drama action.

I thought over the weekend that perhaps Oliver had a twinge of jealousy when a man that I've known for awhile made a joke with me. Oliver slapped my ass after the man left. I felt He was telling me that He owns me, no one else will have me. I really liked it. Turned me on.

I'm also crazy horny and really want to play more. I feel like I didn't get a lot out of our time over the weekend. I blame myself though. That in itself is a long story. I want Daddy to make me cum like He always does when He touches my g spot. It's my favorite way to cum. I need it.

Blah..............lots of rambling today. 

9.18.16 I know it's been awhile......(and maybe a pic or 2)

........and I haven't been blogging much because nothing much has been going on or happening. I figured people are more interested in seeing pictures. Mentally though, blogging helps me and I have been ordered to start doing it more often. Not just when I have pictures to share.

I guess some days I am still struggling with being in an up and personal relationship with a Dom. I struggle with obeying and pushing back. We've discussed and I think it's my unintentional way to see if He can really handle me. I am a very strong person so it takes a big man to be able to control me. It was easier in the long distance relationship because I was unable to 'test' him. I couldn't really push back. I obeyed because the only person I would have been unpleasing is myself (had I been able to lie). When I did disobey in the LDR it was disappointing to me because I couldn't see if after the punishment he was okay with me.

Wait.....I don't think I'm making any sense. Let me try to explain better.................

Ok, so here with Oliver when I disappoint or disobey it's easier for me to feel better afterwards because I can see His reaction to things. I can make things better by being with Him and seeing Him. In the LDR I couldn't do that.

Anyway, it's about me doing this 'testing' thing with Him. I do hate that I do that. And I REALLY do hate being a strong person. I REALLY do want to give Him everything. I'm going to make a REAL conscious effort to do so. I think that when I wake daily I should add to my morning routine that I will remember that He REALLY will take care of me and all that surrounds me.

Waiting to get hurt is no way to live your life. I also need to remember that. I have to remember that it's okay to trust people again. I also have to remember not to be SO trusting, but also that He is the one that I can.

I'm not sure I'm making much sense in this post, but it's because we had another amazing night and although it was amazing, I did wake with a migraine. Those pills make me so darn dizzy!

It was a late night and I don't think that He did as much to me that He planned on. I feel lately we don't get very much play time. And man today, do I need more!!!!!!! He has me wearing these new ben wa balls He got me. They're pretty cool. They have a ball with in the ball. So when I move I can feel them really move inside me. I also really love the new nipple toys. I love watching my nipples grow. Getting wet just thinking about them. I wonder if He will let me use them alone???? I'll have to ask. I think I'd like to use them while using the wand on myself...........maybe even use something to fuck my ass...........whew - ok, getting carried away.

So back to last night. Again...amazing. I love Daddy's cock! It's literally so perfect! The taste, the look, the feel (isn't that some commercial or something? Oh yes!!!! Cotton - HA!!!)

So here are some pics from last night.........enjoy.

PS - I'll be writing more often. This was good for me.

9.3.16 Hi all! Some new pics too :)

Haven't blogged because really not much has been going on. Just getting into the flow of fall. Hate when summer goes. Someday I hope Oliver and I can move to warmer climate. I need the beach.

Anyway, some simple things that we've been dealing with........

As most of you know, I've always wanted the experience of being with a woman. Oliver has supported me on that.

One day, I came across another dom that had a submissive who wanted the same. She was inexperienced with women as well.

Initially I was very excited about the opportunity, but as time went on I became more and more apprehensive. This other submissive wanted to top me. My feeling of wanting to go through with this became non existent. I was scared and uncomfortable. I didn't think my demi brain could handle that happening to me. Oliver agreed completely and unfortunately had to message the dom and explain that we had to back out.

It was disappointing, but I'm happy that we backed out before a mistake was made. My head is in a very fragile place right now. I'm still experiencing being with a new Dom (growing pains) and with the tragic death in my family......well.....just not in the right place. I am hoping some day though......

Also, of late, I have picked up a very bad habit of unintentionally trying to top. Oliver has been very patient with me, but I think He's on His last bought of patience. I topped and was punished. The punishment wasn't severe but I was warned. I don't do it on purpose, of course. I think because I get in "control mode" in my day to day life I just keep going with it and don't think before I speak or act. Good right? NOT! How do I control this? I asked Oliver if He thought this meant I wasn't submissive. I was starting to question my own being. Started over thinking and now I think I've made myself sick. Blah! When will I ever learn to just hand things over. GET IT TOGETHER KIKI!!! Geez!!!!! By the way when I say I'm topping, it's not physically. UGH I COULD NEVER! It's just verbally like what we should do for dinner. Stupid things like that.

Now for the fun stuff.............................new toys!!! YAY!!!